Forever autumn
by brattyteenagewerewolf
Summary: He pretended that everything was okay. Because Feliciano couldn't die. Not like this. Not sad and weak, unable to smile. He had to smile. He had always smiled. Ludwig was the one who was always serious. Feliciano had to smile and laugh. Giftfic for xXgirlINtheMASKXx


**A/N: this was so depressing to write! And I thought 'final freedom' was bad! QQ**

**Another gift fic for xXgirlINtheMASKXx who asked for a GerIta death!fic. Hope you enjoy!**

**If you guys aren't crying after this you have no souls…**

**Hetalia isn't mine!**

_The summer sun is fading as the year grows old_

_And darker days are drawing near_

_The winter winds will be much colder_

_Now you're not here_

_I watched the birds fly south across the autumn sky_

_And one by one they disappear_

_How I wish I was flying with them_

_Now you're not here_

_Like the sun through the trees you came to love me_

_Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away_

_Forever autumn- war of the worlds_

Looking back the signs had been obvious. Feliciano had started complaining about headaches and using it as an excuse to get out of going for a run with Ludwig. The German had frowned, shaking his head at the Italian and telling him to take a painkiller and it would be gone in no time. He'd pushed the smaller man into running even when, over time, the painkillers stopped working.

Feliciano had still smiled, still made pasta and insisted on sneaking into Ludwig's bed at night. But the migraines had continued to bother him, the blonde occasionally catching the other wincing and pressing delicate fists against his forehead as if he could push the pain away. But he'd ignored it, migraines and headaches were nothing unusual after all. They'd eventually go away and things would return to normal.

But then the Italian had started stumbling and falling as they ran together. He was always clumsy but the sheer number of times it happened made Ludwig worry. Because it wasn't just when running. Sometimes he'd stumble when walking around the house, Feliciano shook it off though.

"Ve~ I'm fine Luddy. Just got a bit dizzy that's all! You know how clumsy I am."

It was when the nausea started; a month or so later, that Ludwig put his foot down. He refused to listen as the Italian shook his head and smiled, leaning heavily against the porcelain toilet bowl as he tried to say he was fine, that it was just something he ate.

Ludwig couldn't ignore it any longer. Migraines shouldn't last this long let alone the other symptoms. He just shook his head, frowning as he felt the Italian's forehead to check his temperature. It only deepened as he felt nothing. "Nein Feli. I want you to see a doctor."

Feliciano grimaced. "Ve… but I hate the doctor!" he protested. He stood on shaky legs, trying to smile reassuringly. "See? I'm fine!" Ludwig sighed as he had to scramble to support him as the limbs gave way.

"You're seeing the doctor Feliciano. End of story."

.o.)O(.o.

Ludwig was still frowning as the doctor signed a referral for a CAT scan and a prescription for high strength pain killers. He'd examined Feliciano thoroughly, questioning him as he'd poked and prodded, taking his blood pressure and checking his pupils. But he couldn't find anything wrong.

"It's probably nothing but best to get it checked out." he'd explained as he handed the Italian the scripts. It was more to soothe the German than anything else; Feliciano was still insisting he was fine.

Still stumbling occasionally.

Still nauseous.

Still obviously not fine.

It made Ludwig anxious and even a bit scared although he wouldn't admit to it.

.o.)O(.o.

The doctor's face made Ludwig's heart rate pick up as he placed the results of the scan in front of him. He was too serious, his gaze pitying as he looked upon the pair. Feliciano was still smiling, holding Ludwig's hand reassuringly.

_I'm fine_

Gott, Ludwig wanted to believe it.

The doctor's words shattered that faint hope.

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid Mister Vargas has a brain tumour…"

Ludwig stopped breathing, faintly registering Feliciano doing the same beside him as the doctor started spouting words that could barely get through their shock and fear.

Chemotherapy.

We'll do our best.

Have to start treatment immediately.

_I'm fine Luddy. Just got a bit dizzy that's all!_

Feliciano looked at the German nervously, the other's frozen face increasing his anxiety.

"Ve? I'll be fine right Luddy?"

The blonde tried to force a smile on his face, feeling too numb to know if he'd succeeded. "J-ja, you will be."

He had to be…

.o.)O(.o.

"I'll be fine…" Feliciano murmured tiredly from the wheel chair as the nurse wheeled him back into the room from his latest bout of treatment. Ludwig just frowned, taking the other's hand to press a kiss to his cold skin, feeling the delicate bones beneath.

"Ja, you will be." he forced out. He hated seeing how skinny the Italian had gotten. The radiation left him unable to stomach food, his body rejecting it as soon as he ate it. He'd end up heaving, his whole body shaking with pain if he even tried to eat.

His hair, the beautiful auburn locks that Ludwig adored had long since fallen out leaving the smaller man looking almost skeletal.

His skin was pale, bruising easily with each repetitive chemotherapy session.

And he was tired. He'd sleep for hours on end but it never did anything.

Ludwig hated it. He'd lost weight as well. Too busy worrying over the Italian to remember to eat. He wouldn't have eaten at all if his brother and Feliciano hadn't reminded him to.

_I'm fine…_

.o.)O(.o.

The treatments weren't working. Ludwig tried to lie to himself but when Feliciano opened those previously bright eyes one morning and gave a weak frown as their gaze met and murmured those words that broke his heart he could no longer deny it.

"Ve? Who are you?"

"L-Ludwig… your boyfriend…"

"…oh…"

He was always so confused. He'd forget things. Forget Ludwig, himself, his twin. He struggled to function, no longer able to walk or even sit up alone. Even speaking could exhaust him.

Every day was a struggle for Feliciano. It killed Ludwig to sit beside him and try to comfort and help him.

_I'm fine…_

He wasn't.

.o.)O(.o.

It just kept getting worse. Feliciano hardly woke up anymore. He never smiled or spoke, just stared blankly at the German as he struggled to remember him before going back to a drug induced sleep. He was hooked up to so many machines that Ludwig couldn't even remember what they were for.

The sound of the other's gasping breath as he slept fitfully terrified him. He had bags under his eyes from refusing to sleep; no longer leaving Feliciano's side out of fear that when he returned the shadow of the man he loved would be gone forever.

He remained there loyally, tired and malnourished but determined to remain by the Italian's side. It didn't matter if he didn't remember him anymore or if he was too weak to even speak. He was there, pressing kisses to clammy flesh and saying that he'd be alright, that he loved him, that they'd go home soon.

He ignored the fact that the doctors had stopped treatment altogether, that he wouldn't survive if it weren't for the machines forcing his organs to work, the other's gasping and inability to breath easily.

He pretended that everything was okay.

Because Feliciano couldn't die.

Not like this.

Not sad and weak, unable to smile.

He had to smile. He had always smiled. Ludwig was the one who was always serious. Feliciano had to smile and laugh.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the Italian smile. Had it been months? Only days? Not since the previous autumn?

He hated seeing the leaves dying outside; it was almost as if the universe was mocking him. They should have been enjoying the cooling weather; Feliciano would be acting like a child and jumping into the piles of dead leaves that had been painstakingly raked into neat piles by the German.

Instead he kept his back to the window, ignoring every fallen leaf as he prayed for a miracle.

.o.)O(.o.

Feliciano no longer woke up. He just slept on fitfully, his too thin chest heaving as he fought for air. Ludwig ignored the pitying glances of the nurses, fighting his tired eyes in an attempt to remain awake.

How long had it been since he'd slept? He didn't know. The days were drifting into each other.

_I'm fine._

"No, you're not…" he murmured, brushing his fingers across the other's pale skin. He looked so fragile… like a breeze could break him.

.o.)O(.o.

He only lasted a few more days. His tired body finally giving out with a last rattling gasp as tears streamed down Ludwig's face.

He couldn't remember the days that followed. The memories blurred by pain and grief as he wept, kissing the cold skin of the Italian and murmuring choked 'I love you's'.

.o.)O(.o.

One year later

Ludwig sighed as he wrapped his coat closer around himself. The air was getting cold again as the autumn came again. His eyes were empty, the memory of pain still present in the blue depths as he stopped at the simple grave stone.

"It's autumn again Feli… I hate this time of year…" he chuckled bitterly, laying a bunch of flowers on the cold earth before sitting down. "It always brings back bad memories…"

He remained silent for a moment before pulling a small box out of his pocket. "I'd almost forgotten about this…"he murmured softly. "I bought it before you got… I was waiting for you to get better to give it to you." he mumbled, choking on the sentence. He wiped away tears with practiced movements before tenderly laying the box beside the flowers.

"I love you Feli… and gott… I miss you so much… I guess I'll never know if you would have said 'yes'…"

_A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes_

_As if to hide a lonely tear_

_My life will be forever autumn_

_Cause you're not here_

_Cause you're not here_

_Cause you're not here_

_Cause you're not here_

_Like the sun through the trees you came to love me_

_Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away_

_Through autumn's golden gown we used to pick our way_

_You always loved this time of year_

_Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now_

_Cause you're not here_

_Cause you're not here_

_Forever autumn- war of the worlds_


End file.
